My soul (though sadly not my physical being) was warmed considerably by the story I first heard in a radio interview about a week ago. It is a story told by Michael Lewis (acclaimed author of the infamous Billy Beane baseball book Moneyball and the semi-autobiographical Liar’s Poker) in his new book, The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game. It is the story of Michael Oher, the sophomore starting left tackle for the Ole Miss Rebels and a member of the All-SEC second team. If you don’t read the rest of this post, and you generally don’t follow college football, you’ll probably next hear about Oher when he’s a top-ten NFL draft pick in a couple years.

These distinctions are impressive for anyone, but completely remarkable for a kid that never walked on a football field and would hardly have recognized the inside of a classroom as recently as four years ago. Ask Michael (Lewis or Oher) and he’ll tell you that at 15 years old (and about 6′5″, 330 pounds), living on the floor of an apartment in the projects, he was one bad break from dead or in jail; and about as far from a professional football career as someone of that size can be.

I won’t go into the whole story here, because you can read a NY Times Magazine article that gives an in-depth summary, but the short version goes like this… Michael is walked up to the doorstep of a small, highly Christian high school by the man (”Big Tony”) whose floor he sleeps on. Despite virtually no academic record, absolutely zero knowledge base (and I really mean zero: Michael didn’t know what an ocean was) and really very little interest in going to school, he attracts the attention of the football coach and the sympathy of a few important teachers and administration members and is admitted to Briarcrest Christian Academy.

By about one year later, Michael was adopted by a very wealthy (and equally white and Republican) family of four, getting A’s and B’s in school despite his initial deficiencies, and popping up on the pre-season High School Football All-American First-Team as a left tackle.

Those of you who know me know that I am none too big a fan of Republicans and terrified by devout Christians (or devout members of most any faith, for that matter), but this is an undeniable example of a situation where a family’s strict obedience to “Christian morals” or what-have-you led to incredible positive consequences.

In any event, Michael Lewis’ book chronicles two stories: the development of college and NFL football led to placing increased value on the left tackle position, while simultaneously the kindness of a Christian family led to the remarkable development of a future left tackle. The convergence of these two stories finds a young man who might easily have died or gone to jail on the fast track to a multi-million dollar NFL career.

It’s a truly remarkable story, and I highly recommend you read the summary, if not the book itself.Here’s the link to the NY Times Magazine article, in case you missed it the first time.

Basically I’m trying to be a jerk who gets paid to talk about sports on the radio. I mean, I’m not particularly trying to be a jerk - that comes natural - it’s just that I’m attempting to make money of my jerkiness and corresponding sports expertise.

In rearing my fledgling radio career, I have been doing my best to record my voice and broadcast it (in various ways) whenever and wherever I can. As such, I have recently recorded some NBA chatter with my good friend Nick Saper (collectively the Basketball Babblers) and posted it for your listening pleasure on podOmatic and in a media player that I’ve added to my Bulls Blog, which you may be familiar with (there’s been a link to it over there on the right for a while).

In any event, though the first three episodes are fairly straightforward previews of the NBA season to come, Nick and I are developing our audio chemistry and hope to improve and get funnier and more entertaining as time goes on. Ultimately our hope is to be enjoyable for the non-sports fan as much as for the sports fan. Chances are we’ll strike out but we DO intend to try, dammit!

So go check it out. We’re in negotiations for a potential live radio show, and if you’re in Chicagoland (Chicago - WSBC 1240; Chicago Heights - WCFJ 1470) you can hear me, Kolsky (Kid K, the Ass. to the Ass. Producer) on The Morning Break, every Monday and Friday from 10 to Noon.

Hopefully you won’t stop reading this blog in the future because of this self-serving post. Good times.

Kolsky’s British Delicacy of the Day

For Buck, it was never a sore subject. How upset could he be about this? This is a man who was born just a handful of years too early to play Major League Baseball. He played a part in the popularization and success of the Negro Leagues (winning five pennants and two Negro League World Series titles as a player and manager for the Kansas City Monarchs from 1938-55) but by the time the MLB color barrier was broken, his career was ending.

More so than his playing days, the feats that followed should have earned him Hall of Fame status - he became a big-league scout for African-American talent with the Cubs, and was responsible for the signing of both Ernie Banks and Lou Brock; he broke the color barrier for big-league coaches when he signed with the Cubs in 1962; and perhpas most importantly, he served to remind fans everywhere of baseballs past, particularly with respect to the Negro Leagues, and to help promote baseball in every possible way.

Through all of this, he remained a positive, outgoing person, never feeling bitter about what might have been. Perhaps nothing speaks more to Buck’s positivity than the title of his 1996 autobiography: I Was Right On Time. He took his life in stride and enjoyed it for what it was - he made every second of his 94 years on earth count, and he never seemed regretful of anything.

For me, the image of Buck that may last longest is of an old man, mere months before his death, smiling ear-to-ear as he took two walks and hustled - for a 94-year-old, anyway - to first base during a minor league all-star game. Yes, it was something of a gimmick, but to see how happy it made this great man just to be a part of the game of baseball - any game of baseball, really - made even a cynic feel the special aura of the american pastime.

I don’t think Buck would have asked for anything more. John Jordan O’Neil, rest in peace.

a couple links to cool Buck stuff: audio about the Negro Leagues, video of his last at-bat

Steam, now, is the least of my concerns. And I’m bold enough to suggest that, sometimes, what it takes to rouse an erstwhile blogger from a prose-less stupor is nothing more than a former president taking a “news man” to task for his classless and clearly partisan interviewing tactics.

Many of you know of what I speak. If that’s the case, go ahead and skip this paragraph. For the rest, the greatest Mr. President of my lifetime was recently invited onto Fox News under the pretext of an interview regarding the Clinton Global Initiative (which was sadly lost in the shuffle) and subsequently ambushed with rudely and smugly constructed questions about his “inability” to fight terrorism - and particularly Bin Laden - while he was in office. Mr. Clinton vigorously attempted to set the record straight on that subject and a couple others (most notably the fact that Fox News is little more than a fount of conservative propaganda.

Perhaps you’ve already perceived my righteous fury. Maybe that’s a bit strong - but I wholeheartedly back Big Bill on this, specifically with regards to Fox’s blindly partisan “news” coverage. Certainly I realize that part - if not the majority - of Clinton’s motivation here is to defend himself against these accusations, but he does a very good job of focusing on the irresponsibility of the line of questioning and on what he did do to combat terrorism, most of which was undone or put on hold by the current administration.

For the court’s consideration:

1. Clinton was criticized left and right by conservatives for harping on terror on his way out of office. As he points out, he didn’t have a heck of a lot of time to go after Bin Laden (given that they didn’t really know anything about him until a year or so into his second term) but he did attempt to catch him and leave a work in progress for Bush Jr. Sadly, the recommendation of an adulterous democrat - never mind his Rhodes scholarship or 8 years of distinguished public service as President - was just enough to get the “terror czar” demoted and the search for Bin Laden tabled.
2. Fox News, who booked the Clinton interview under false pretenses (say what you will about Chris Wallace’s ultimate intentions to ask about the CGI, it’s clear to me that his primary motive was an assault on the subject of terror), has been at the front of every piece of positive press for the current Republican Regime, while lagging behind - and often promoting misinformation, or at least misleading information - when the news brings that group’s failures to light. This goes for Afghanistan, the War in Iraq, and domestic issues alike.
3. Political specifics aside, the smug expression on Wallace’s face as he asked directed questions about Clinton’s admitted failure to successfully fight terror quite obviously illuminated his ulterior motives. The most upsetting thing to me, as a writer and sometime journalist, is his utter lack of regard for journalistic integrity. Even if he had asked conservatives these sort of questions, it was clear he thought to be “sticking it” to Clinton on the terror issue and loving every minute of it. It is possible to ask these sorts of questions with integrity and respect for the craft of journalism, which is supposed to be inherently balanced and bipartisan. What Wallace did was not journalism, it was an attempt at live spin.
4. I won’t waste too much time on this, but just to give you an idea, here is a transcription of the kind of question Wallace asks of conservatives (Condoleeza Rice in this case, a few days after her testimony at the 9/11 Commission): “When commission member Jaime Gorelick was questioning you about that, did you know that when she was the deputy attorney general in the Clinton administration, that she had issued an order that, in fact, helped build the so-called wall even higher?” Forgetting the fact that this isn’t even really a question at all, it contains assertions that are blatantly untrue and actually has nothing whatsoever to do with Condoleeza’s job or even really the “War on Terror.” It’s just a lie with a question mark at the end. Among the questions not asked to Ms. Rice during this interview (which, to reiterate, came on April 18, 2004, right after she spoke to the 9/11 Commission):
   • Why was terror “czar” Richard Clarke demoted when President Clinton essentially told you he was the most important and informed person on terrorism?
   • What happened with the USS Cole, which was bombed in late 2000, and why was little done in response?
   • Did you just ignore that August ‘01 report entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Strike U.S.” or were you planning on getting to it somewhere around mid-September?
5. Isn’t it curious that - despite near-regular interviews with national security officials inside the White House - no questions about the USS Cole or Richard Clarke’s demotion have ever been put to a Bush II administrator by Chris Wallace?

This is what irks me. Newspeople are supposed to have opinions. Occasionally, in the right scenario, they are even encouraged to express these opinions. There is no defense whatsoever for masking one’s opinions as facts, nor for including assumptions, assertions or even inferences in the context of questions so as to presume there is truth within them.

Thank you, Mr. Clinton, for having the stones (and the composure, since he remained remarkably even-keeled throughout his reprimand of Wallace) to come out and say what every clear-thinking liberal has known for nearly a decade: Fox News is nothing more than a room full of conservative shills, pushing a Republican agenda and blatantly ignoring the news that discredits - or even questions - their parti pris.

Oh, and it’s nice to be back. That was cathartic… I feel energized. I leave you with a topical bit of celebrity humor…
Q: What’s the difference between a Jew and a bottle of tequila?

A: Mel Gibson likes tequila!

In short, I think the World Cup is the best sporting event still in existence. I never got a look at that sweet Mayan sport where the losers were sacrificed to the Gods, so it’s unfair for me to say it’s the greatest sporting event in history, but I have to imagine it’s close. The World Cup, as an institution, has more meaning and excitement to it than anything else I’ve ever seen in athletics. So I’ve been wondering… why isn’t this country interested?

Frankly, I can’t presume to answer that question for the country. There are myriad possibilities, for example: (a) Who wants to watch a sport we suck at? … or … (b) There’s not nearly enough scoring in that kickball game … or … (c) I hate the way guys flop and act injured, what a bunch of sissies … or … (d) What fun is a game where 90% of the players can’t touch the ball with their hands? For the record, these are stupid reasons because: (a) International competition is completely unpredictable, and how much we suck in general has little bearing on any specific game (see: 2002 World Cup, 2004 Olympic Basketball) … (b) Who says a game has to be high-scoring to be fun? Before everybody started cheating baseball scores looked a lot like soccer scores and that was the “national pastime”; then there’s the NFL, where scores have been arbitrarily assigned number values to make the scores look bigger - if touchdowns were worth 1 point and field goals a half point, would people stop watching? … (c) Umm… have you watched a basketball game lately? People flop all the time and we live with it; the bottom line is, guys try to get every call they can and sometimes a little acting helps your cause … (d) It’s a matter of developed skills, and soccer is the only sport that comes to mind where players need to use their feet to handle the ball; if you’re not intrigued and impressed by the degree of control that these guys can exert without hands, perhaps you should try trapping a 60 yard punt with your chest.

But, as I said, there’s really no good answer to why people aren’t watching. So in lieu of answering my own burning question, I’m going to tell you - yes YOU, stupid gringo - why you should be tuning in to soccer coverage over the next couple weeks…

The Sport

Soccer is a great sport. I’m not going to tell you it’s the best sport, because I wouldn’t necessarily agree with that assessment. Personally, I prefer basketball and baseball; but that doesn’t change the fact that Soccer is one of the oldest sports in the world, is steeped in spectacular tradition, and is actually an intricately strategic game. Also, it is almost certainly the most popular sport in the world just by sheer number of fans and level of fanaticism. I’ve heard, on a number of occasions, the argument that “I shouldn’t have to like soccer just because everybody else in the world likes it… what do you think I am, a lemming?” No, jerk-off. Nobody wants you to be a lemming. But did it occur to you that maybe - I know this sounds crazy, just bear with me - maybe all those billions of soccer fans the world over are on to something?

If you’re a baseball fan, you’ve probably been forced to argue with someone, at some point, who said baseball was a stupid, boring game. I’d be willing to bet that during that argument you said, at least once, “well, if you’d only take the time to understand the game…” Because that’s the truth - baseball can be slow, but an appreciation for how the game works and the history of the game makes it entertaining to those of us who know what to look for. Same thing with soccer: if you’ve watched some of this World Cup and found it boring, don’t give up yet. Try to find somebody who knows the game and sit down with them (trust me, they’re watching). Ask questions. If you watched the US game and found it boring… well, it was and they completely sucked, so don’t be discouraged. It might take a couple matches, but this is a game that even the most American of us can learn to enjoy.

The Stories

In every way that has nothing to do with the actual athletic competition, the World Cup is everything that the Olympics should be at wishes it was. The Olympics are stupid. Nobody really cares much, outside of the folks who actually participate. The sports are obscure and largely irrelevant (considerably more obscure than soccer, in most cases) people are counting medals just to say we’ve got more hardware than Japan and Germany, and we’re force-fed awful stories that often flop (see: Michelle Kwan, Bodie Miller, etc.)

The World Cup is a month-long international holiday. In virtually every country not called “United States” life has been put on hold until the Cup is won. And I don’t mean every country that’s in the competition - I mean practically every country in the world. Have you seen the commercial that points out Scotland failed to make the Cup, but assures us their fans will be there cheering anyway? That’s not a joke; funny, but not a joke.

Have you heard about the Togolese team? Yes, people from Togo are Togolese. This is the former German colony’s first World Cup ever, and they made it to the 32-team tournament despite a world ranking of 61. They drew first blood in their opener against South Korea, but couldn’t hold on and ended up losing 2-1, much to the chagrin of the country’s voodoo priest. You see, Togbui Assiogbo Gnagblondjro III had predicted that Togo would advance to the knockout round (round 2) and their loss in the opener makes that an even more daunting task. Before this Cup is over, Gnagblondjro may well wish he had never left his usual post - keeping an eye on 650 naked priests and priestesses in a Togolese forest and communicating with ancestral spirits.

How about Trinidad & Tobago? They’re another first-time qualifier, and the smallest country in the cup. This is perhaps why they celebrated their draw with Sweden - which they earned despite playing a man down for much of the match - like it was a world championship. The “Soca Warriors” fared nearly as well in their second game, holding powerhouse England scoreless for nearly 83 minutes before faltering to a 2-0 defeat.

Stories like these don’t fall off of trees, they’re born of a passion we rarely see from American athletes or fans.

The Athletes

I expect you’ve heard this recently: soccer players are in better shape than almost any other athlete. They are essentially long distance runners, only they have to run sprints with alarming regularity throughout their marathon. These guys can run and run all day and night, and there’s no timeouts or breaks. Soccer players need to be ready to break from their constant trot into an all-out sprint at any moment - from the opening kickoff to the end of stoppage time.

The stars of soccer are also great personalities. Even Americans know David Beckham - he’s helped by his physical gifts (and I don’t mean athletically) and his marriage to a pop star, but he’s more of an international celebrity than almost any American athlete. Brazil’s Ronaldinho is arguably the most exciting player in the history of the sport - just ask the Michael Jordan of Soccer: Pele says Ronaldinho is the best in the world right now and “better than Maradonna,” long considered the second-best all-time to Pele. The young Brazilian is also a showman, pulling moves the likes of which haven’t been seen for a long time and juking opponents left and right.

——————–

I know, enough already. I’ve just spent more text on soccer than you ever wanted to read. You’re not interested. I get it. I’ll stop. Just so long as you know that you’re wrong not to be watching the World Cup, and that myself and billions of foreigners will be a part of the greatest sporting event alive while you’re biting your nails over the first half of the baseball season. Stupid gringo.

However, I once again encourage women everywhere (or the lone woman reading this, anyway) to bear with me, as I think the following will say as much about the world we live in as it does about sports in particular. Last time, my sports-based-yet-interesting-to-non-sports-fans piece was a brief foray into comedy - I drew your attention to a minor-league team that was calling out the Kansas City Royals (who are really just a minor-league team in major-league uniforms). Today I’m angry, not amused.

Two sports stories caught my eye today - two stories that really should not have had to be published. The first addresses a recently-completed report about Lance Armstrong’s potential use of performance-enhancing drugs. For years, ever since his dominance of the sport of cycling began, angry, jealous, and usually French rivals of America’s favorite (only?) famous bike-rider have questioned how it is physically possible for someone to go straight from the chemotherapy table to the top of their sport. Especially a guy from a country that couldn’t care less about cycling.

The jealousy (and presumably the French-ness) of Lance’s detractors led to countless backhanded steroids accusations over his 7-year run of dominance. None were thought to hold any water, until last year’s report that Lance’s 1999 samples tested positive for a banned substance (EPO) when they were brought out of a freezer in 2004. When the report came out, Lance vehemently denied it (as he has every one of the myriad accusations over the years) and once again pointed out that he has been tested with absurd frequency for 7 or 8 years and never had a positive test. The International Cycling Union hired some impartial Dutch lawyers to conduct an investigation.

Well, that investigation has ended, and it not only exonerated Lance, but also questioned the integrity and practices of both L’Equipe (the paper which first reported the allegations) and the World Anti-Doping Agency. My favorite exerpt says the tests were so questionable that “it was ‘completely irresponsible’ to suggest they ‘constitute evidence of anything.’” Oops.

The second story was about Gilbert Arenas. On Wednesday (yesterday) I read a report that Arenas was arrested - nobody really knew exactly why - and tried to wiggle out of it by saying “You can’t arrest me, I’m a basketball player. I play for the Washington Wizards…” Turns out the whole sports world read that report, and every outlet from ESPNRadio to Reuters was blasting the NBA’s most underrated player for disorderly behavior, hubris and stupidity. I heard the statement “this is the problem with athletes today” more times than I’d care to remember.

Oops again. Apparently nobody got Arenas’ side of the story; at least until Michael Wilbon decided to pursue that outmoded journalistic convention - due diligence. It turns out maybe some overzealous cops just made a mistake during what was a tremendously busy weekend on South Beach - and then they lied on the police report so they didn’t look bad. If you’ve ever been arrested before (and I’m not in a position to confirm or deny whether that’s ever happened to me) you probably know this: policeman will lie their curly-tailed asses off to avoid people realizing they’ve made a mistake.

Reading Wilbon’s article, I’m as sure as he is that Arenas did very little - if anything - wrong. The cops arrested him because he was a tattooed black man who got out of his car in traffic; and the national media is so ready to crucify athletes for stupid behavior that thousands of news outlets published the story - including details of a likely-false police report that probably should not have been released in the first place - without so much as contacting Arenas for his account.

These stories depress me deeply. They’re not the only examples of a sports world that prefers a pariah to a hero. Another that came to my mind was last year’s unfounded steroid accusations against Todd Helton. I won’t get into details, but basically an announcer said - during a broadcast, on the air - that he had inside knowledge of Helton using steroids; it turned out to be creatine, a completely legal supplement. Basically, people (particularly in this country) love to tear down sports stars - we want nothing more than to find out that these men who outperform us by such a ridiculous margin only do so because they cheat; or else that they may be famous and ultra-talented, but they’re also big jerks.

I’ve got news - yeah, tons of these guys are jerks. You know what? Jerks are everywhere. I see them on a daily basis. As a semi-permanent temp employee, I’ve found at least 50% of the people I end up working for or with are jerks (not the people here at ALF, of course). I’m a fucking jerk. You’re probably a jerk too. Athletes are the same; maybe slightly more likely to be jerks given the self-confidence required to be a successful professional.

Of course, the most successful people in other professions are more likely to be jerks as well. How many Fortune 500 CEO’s did something sleazy to get to the top? Probably right around 500. For every Randy Moss (pot-smoking, pushing-cops-with-his-car football player) there’s a Kenneth Lay (cheating, conspiring, embezzling Enron player). But Lay’s mistakes don’t inspire us go after Steve Jobs, so why the excitement over arresting Arenas? Simply because our athletes are celebrities, and our CEO’s are not - at least, not until they get caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

My intent is not to blame the media for reporting on the transgressions of our role models. I just feel as though the climate surrounding sports is very negative these days. There are tons of positive and excitingthings happening - one of the best overall NBA postseasons ever is in progress, World Cup 2006 starts in 8 days - but people focus on the controversy surrounding Barry Bonds, or the arrest of Gilbert Arenas, whose team was eliminated from the NBA Playoffs weeks ago.

Hey, ESPNRadio - save the gossip news for People Magazine; or MSNBC.com (where my good friend Paige Ferrari does a terrific job of writing about celebrities and gossip.) Instead of searching for the stories about stupid, selfish athletes off the field, let’s talk about the on-field exploits that lead their teams to ignore everything from drug problems (Darryl Strawberry, Ricky Williams, etc.) to legal troubles (Kobe Bryant, Randy Moss, etc.) to just general jerkiness (Karl Malone, Bill Romanowski, etc.)

Sports are supposed to be an escape from “real life” - so why can’t we allow athletes some escape from the public eye for their “real lives”?

That’s the fundamental question, and also the end of today’s rant. I’m afraid I got a bit overzealous and am only now realizing the length of this post. If you managed to wade through the above, I welcome your thoughts on the subject. Otherwise, I fully intend to resume frequent posting in the immediate future.

Won’t you be my K-bor?

But WAIT, Ladies… don’t stop reading yet… I think this is a sporting tidbit that we can all get down with, if you know what I mean. Ever heard of the Kansas City Royals? If not, it’s hard to blame you - hell, I’ve never heard of half their players and I’m supposed to be an expert. Last I heard, the Chicago media was referring to them as the “Single A Royals”. Point being, they suck. Big time.

Apparently the stinkiness of the Royals emboldens even players in the Canadian American Association (that would be a small, independent minor league) because the Brockton Rox, of Brockton, Massachusets, are ready to go all-in against the Kansas City Major Leaguers. Despite playing only a 92-game season (70 less than a major league team that fails to make the playoffs) the upstart Rox - who have yet to play a game this season - are willing to bet that they’ll out-win the Royals.

That’s right, the Royals are so obviously pathetic that random minor league teams think they need 70 fewer games to reach the same win total. There’s no reason for them not to believe that: they were damn close last year when the Royals won 56 and Brockton got to 50. I think it’s a cute gimmick for Brockton, but let me be the first to say that I have a serious problem with this bet.

The Rox’s president, Jim Lucas, laid out the terms of the potential wager as follows: if Brockton wins less games than KC, they will donate $500 to the YMCA of Greater Kansas City. If the Royals can’t out-win the Rox (did I mention they play in the Canadian American Association? Has anyone even heard of that league?) then Lucas wants them to drop $5,000 in the pockets of Brockton’s local Y, specifically for their Little League program.

Uhhh… Jim… What makes you think your squad should get odds? Much less 10-to-1 odds. Last year you were only 6 wins short… do you think the Royals are better this season? If so, why? They’re on pace for about 43 wins. Let’s say they pick it up a little bit and win 50 - can’t the Rox improve from last season? All it should take is one or two extra wins. If you’re gonna pile on the Royals like this, is it really necessary to take extra money from them?

I suppose it’s to the Royals’ credit that they haven’t dignified this challenge with a response… but a cynical AL Central fan such as myself has to think it might be out of fear. Poor Royals. They just can’t get any respect.

Unfortunately, my writing time has been largely consumed by my near-daily diatribes on my Bulls Blog, covering the end of the NBA season and the playoffs. It’s been an exciting ride, and I’m enjoying it, but it doesn’t leave much time for my friendly, loyal K-bors.

Since you’ve all been so patient with me, I decided I owed it to you all to stop in and update you on my status. Also, I want to drop this gem on you (thanks to my good friend Mr. D): Mexico legalizes freakin’ everything! Finally, you’re all invited to join me in Tijuana for a Legalization Celebration. Date and time pending.

In any case, you must believe that I’m truly sorry about my recent posting rate. I assure you I’ll committ myself to more activity in the K-borhood as soon as the NBA season is over (maybe even as soon as the Bulls’ season is over). In the interim, I highly recommend poppin in on from ashy to classy, your online home for arts & entertainment shenanigans. We’re currently tying up the loose ends of a post co-written by all four contributors, addressing the ever-raging “Best TV Wife” debate.

Goodbye, for now, K-bors. Root for the Bulls, it will bring good karma.

Perhaps, just perhaps, Walter E. Smithe actually bought the naming rights to Wrigley Field. Most likely not. When I first saw it, I completely believed. My first clue I might be getting duped was the supposed plan to add a permanent dome to the top of the Friendly Confines. When I read that “the Smithe brothers plan to use Walter E. Smithe Field 365 days a year,” I was slightly more skeptical.

Unfortunately, the “Press Conference” videos pretty much give away the farm as far as reality is concerned. I’m not sure whether Wrigley and the Cubs are at all involved in this spectacular advertising campaign, but the Smithe ad team really hit a home run. I particularly enjoyed the “Wrigley Field Extreme Makeover” video, which sends a Walter E. Smithe interior decorating team in to improve Wrigley’s look.

Looking back at the supposed press release, I probably should’ve picked up on the joke when I read that Wrigley will become a “true multi-purpose facility,” featuring dog shows and rodeos. Still, this is a good laugh and a great idea on the part of Walter E. Smithe. At the end of the day, though, a funnier joke is the Cubs’ Opening Day pitching rotation, as detailed by Jay Mariotti in the Chicago Sun Times.